I learned three valuable things in my time at Universal Studios. The Holga is awesome. Simulators are not. And the “Front Of The Line Pass” is God’s gift to man.

More Universal after the break.

The day started in Harry Pottershire (aka Hogsmeade) where we were promptly conned into taking a “Castle Tour.” Translation, “The Harry Potter ride is down, we don’t know when it will be fixed, and we’re terrified people will find out. So, we’ll say the line to the ride is actually an interactive tour through the belly of Hogwarts!” After that we watched a young Dominican boy named Donny (hard emphasis on the “oh”) struggle through the language barrier en route to a wand fitting at Olivander’s, then threw down $60 for our own interactive version. Let me tell you, it was a thrill to stand in mild amusement as we twirled animatronic cupcakes in shop windows. “Just point the tip right there, no, a little higher. OK, less motion. Almost…there! MAGIC.”

Up next was Jurassic Park. Or more importantly, standing outside Jurassic park to watch a man in a raptor suit scare the shit out of unsuspecting children. It takes a special parent to lead your kid into a deathtrap. But without fail, every raptor roar turned some sheltered spawn into mush. Lauren LOVED it. After more than enough laughs we conquered Jurassic Park (real ride), made our way to The Mummy (real ride), Transformers (simulation), Minions 3D (simulation), and the Simpsons (THE WORST SIMULATION).

Then it was The Tram Ride. I’ll preface this by saying back in the day this used to be my favorite part of the (RIP Waterworld). The new version lived up to the hype. Side bar, the group agreed that my retirement plan must include working as a Tour Guide. My awful jokes would slay. Anyway, Tram 2.0 managed to hit the highlights of yesteryear while building in TWO MORE SIMULATIONS. What a time to be alive.

As the sun dipped low we made our way back to Hogwarts and Wayne’s Worlded our way past the two-hour line. By this point Lo and Mom had tapped out, but Chloe and I were determined to test reality one last time. The day ended successful, if not a beat squeamish.